I wasn’t excited for breakfast today.

I detected depression creeping around my brain’s backdoor last night. Slightly irritable for no reason. The colors of the world — starting to mute. The usual vibrancy in my brain — a bit muffled.

Sometimes it is just for an evening or an afternoon or a day. Other times depression sticks around for a while. She makes her entrance in a variety of ways. She likes to keep me guessing. Yesterday she snuck in, then stood in front of me and plopped herself down. Last night I took a good look at her, “you’re not gonna budge, are you?”

I woke up this morning and realized it was exponentially harder to get on my yoga mat. I wasn’t even anticipating breakfast! An absence of ardency for my morning meal is usually a good indicator; she’s settling in for a bit.

Make yourself at home, dear. I know how to live with you. And I’m working to make friends with you. Even if you mute the colors of the world and try to steal my excitement for breakfast.

Depression wants me to slow down. If I resist, she’ll knock me over. So, I go with it. I accept that I’ll be a bit more absent-minded (I spilled oats on the counter and almost boiled over the milk). But I embraced it. Rather than quick cooking eggs or throwing granola and yogurt in a bowl, I made steel-cut oats. Oats require patience and time. Both of which I happen to have. And my depression seemed to be pleased with my choice.

I could be distraught about my shift in mood. But, I also have a disorder that brings it upon me, often unpredictably. So, I accept the limitations it places on me. Today looks different from yesterday. Today, even if depression lingers and muffles the world, will still look different from tomorrow. I’ll just move a little slower and honor her presence.

If you happen to have the patience and time…

Cookie and Kate’s “Perfect Steel-Cut Oats”

Heat uncooked oats with butter in a skillet over medium heat. Once fragrant, add to your boiling milk. 📸: Cookie and Kate

Before it’s done cooking, I put in maple syrup, cinnamon and nutmeg, walnuts and pecans. I slice up a banana and plop the oats on top. Fills the belly. Warms the soul. Momentarily satiates depression.